Babies Don't Keep: My 30th Mothers-versary

Today is my 30^th Mothers-versary…It was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. When I was in my early 20s, I couldn't see myself taking care of anything unless it had black and white keys and made sounds…That’s just who I was. It was all music and all about me…

Then something changed and the emotional readiness to become a mother kicked in…It was as overwhelming a need as the salmon’s instinctual tenacity to return to its spawning ground. 

My life was in order, my home was spotless and life was basically uncomplicated. But this hunger to nurture another human being continued to grow.  It all surfaced around a single incident.

I was almost a fatality in a traffic accident. I remember the moment my life welled up inside my brain. I was the passenger in the car and a drunk driver barreled full speed into the intersection, running the light. There was absolutely no way I would have survived this on impact. 

I saw it happen before it happened; kudos to extra sensory perception. I can close my eyes now and relive every stark moment in detail. Something inside of me said, “It’s not supposed to end like this.” Had I not yelled the warning as the headlights loomed toward me and the driver gunned the accelerator; my history would have been very different.

Now every time I pass this intersection, I relive this moment and my decision to become a mother. Etched in my brain is how this “near miss” woke up my life and screamed at me. 

The lone driver of the car behind me was not so fortunate. He ended up taking the hit but miraculously, only stunned, wasn't injured.

When I became pregnant, I read every book I could find about the changes that would happen to my body. I embarked on this journey armed with information. This was a “no turning back” kind of groove. I would daydream about what it would be like to have this little person in my life. I would give her everything that my mother had given me: every skill set needed to survive in the world as a thriving member of the human community. 

As a mother, watching her grow through her phases and firsts, I got to see what it was like for me as an infant developing into a child and then becoming an adult. Watching her develop into herself is one of life’s fascinations. I began to understand my mother more and gained respect for her wisdom. I used to think I was deprived by the way she protected me, but I can see now that she was protecting me so that nothing would happen to me that would change my view of the world growing up.

I had an uncomplicated, normal pregnancy. I walked, became a Buddhist, took yoga class, talked to this baby and wrote her a diary.  I began to see that becoming a mother was just one more detail that connected me with who I was as a person and enhanced my creativity and depth of vision.

I had a wonderful pregnancy. I kept my energy positive and surrounded myself with people who were positive. 

It was 1982. The cost of a postage stamp was 20 cents, the cost of gas was still under a buck. The first CD player was sold in Japan, Michael Jackson released Thriller, "videodiscs" were becoming more popular or as they are known today: DVDs.

This was an interesting time for my child to become a part of the world.  The computer was becoming even more mainstream as a part of American culture and was named on TIME’s cover as Machine of the Year.  Technology was emerging rapidly.

This pregnancy seemed to take forever. I know a lot of people must have thought I was going crazy and talking to myself, but really I was talking to her. I knew that she could hear me in utero as the fascination with the mystery of the unborn grew. 

Here we were: so close to each other and yet still strangers. My body had changed and my center of gravity was off balance. ( I can't imagine how these women  today day can walk in heels pregnant!) I had a fascination with quiches and loved to  prepare them. Life was evolvement and evolvement was life.

The home stretch.

My water broke.. Pretty uneventful...Just my signal that I was in the home stretch. Nothing like on TV… Well,  really, is ANYTHING in reality like TV?

Got to the hospital ready for her arrival…Healthcare was a totally different animal back in 1982. I had great insurance. The hospital bill was $2… I call her my bargain baby.

I opted for no epidural. I didn't want anything to affect this baby. I braved  over 11 hours without drugs. It really wasn't that bad because the outcome of labor was going to be positive. I was prepared through Lamaze classes and was ready to use the learned method of breathing to make this baby’s journey into the world the best.

Her destined birthday was Dec 28, but she made her journey  at 7:16 pm on December 11, 1982,  5 lbs, 6 oz and 17 inches long. I looked at her and wondered who she would be.  She was so tiny and vulnerable with the tiniest little feet. When I brought her home she weighed only 4 lbs. I would carry her around in a little sac called a Snugli and she was so tiny, people would ask "Is there a baby in there?"

What would be her mark?…I looked in anticipation of the birthdays to come and the milestones to come. As the years moved forward and my life tenure as a mother accumulated, I began to understand my mother’s secret. Not really a secret at all.

I used to think my mother was psychic. She could call out a situation without even knowing the details. Sometimes it seemed like she even knew my thoughts. She had a knack for being able to figure out a lot about people and situations. I used to think she was just a killjoy. But in actuality as I look back at it,  as the old folks in the country used to say, “Just do enough living, you’ll see.”

Being a mom, gave me insight into people and situations. I could understand a lot more about human frailty when I became a mom.  These amazing instincts and insights kick in once you earn your “mommy card”. It is the greatest education that anyone can get. There is no “mommy university”. You don’t get a degree, but the wonderful rewards of your child's triumphs and accomplishments became plentiful as the years roll forward.

I would hold long conversations with my infant daughter, sing songs, read constantly to her and play all kinds of music. She would give me this look as she processed my speech…It was almost like she was saying “Run that by me again?” There was no such thing as baby talk. I wanted her to speak clearly and express herself succinctly in the world she would come to know.

Humans are babies for a quick second. I used to muse that if I kept hugging her tightly, she wouldn't grow up. But, even though she did, she will always be my baby.  She got her first tooth on July 15, 1983, her second July 23, started crawling at 6 months. By 8 months old, she began to talk. Her first word was “book.”    

From that  point on, her vocabulary blossomed and by the time she was a little over a year she was speaking in complete sentences with clarity.

She also knew how to color well within the lines by the time she was 4. I started her in private kindergarten that year because the school system had a weird cut off about kids born in December.  

In private kindergarten, my daughter had homework and learned how to add and subtract.

The following year when I enrolled her in public first grade, the administration was trying to tell me that she would have to repeat kindergarten because of where her birthday fell in December.  I considered that quite an  inept concept and wondered who came up with that ridiculous idea. You should have seen me. I was like Sally Field in Forrest Gump fighting for my child’s rights and dignity.  Needless to say, I won the battle.

So I sit here today with a huge hatbox and several photo albums and the ongoing scrapbook I work on for her as she moves forward in life. I’m reminded of an an excerpt from a poem  I put in her scrapbook by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton:

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,

But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow

So quiet down cobwebs, 

Dust go to sleep

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.                                           

Turning 30, is not just her milestone, but mine as well. I think sometimes as our kids get older, they forget that their celebration of birth is also a celebration for us as well. This is what prompted me to come up with term "Mothers-versary and Fathers-versary".

So, whenever someone shares that their child has a birthday, I celebrate them as well.  Does this milestone in our lives seem like yesterday? You bet!  But should I close my eyes from this journey called living tomorrow, I can rest knowing that I brought three amazing children into the world who will carry on and make their own legacies throughout their lives.

Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Star 1930-2012

Twinkie: 1930-2012

Cause of death: union strike, corporate greed, consumers pursuing healthier foods

Born in Schiller, Illinois in 1930, Twinkie was the brainchild of James Dewar who wanted to make a shortcake filled originally with banana cream because strawberries were out of season. During WWII, Twinkie was reborn with vanilla cream due to the shortage of bananas. Twinkie got its name when Dewar saw a  St. Louis billboard for "Twinkle Toe Shoes".

The Twinkie lived a long life of 82 years, and gained more prominence in the headlines when in 1978 the term "Twinkie Defense" made its way into our modern slogan vocabulary when Dan White murdered George Moscone and Harvey Milk...This was before the term "postal" made its way into our slogan vocabulary and White's defense lawyer used junk food and depression as a means to get him him a lesser sentence... Of course, as is most often the case the media misleadingly named White's defense "The Twinkie Defense".

The Twinkie found its way into lunch boxes, after school snacks, night raids in the kitchen and was made up of:

Wheat flour, Folic acid, Niacin, Thiamine mononitrate, Riboflavin,Iron. (The ingredient in Twinkies is ferrous sulfate, an iron compound.),Sugar,Water, Corn syrup,High fructose corn syrup,Vegetable shortening,Animal shortening,Whole eggs,Dextrose,Modified cornstarch,Corn flour,Glucose,Baking soda,Monocalcium phosphate,Sodium acid pyrophosphate,Sweet dairy whey,Soy protein isolate,Calcium caseinate,Sodium caseinate,Soy flour, Salt, Soy flour,Diglyceride, Polysorbate 60,Corn dextrin,Soy lecithin,Cornstarch,Cellulose gum,Sodium stearoyl lactylate,Sorbic acid,FD&C Yellow #5,Red 40.

It is clear that Twinkie was better looking on the outside than it was on the inside...Twinkie also is joined in death by brother Ding Dong who also lived a life of lunch boxes, after school snacks and kitchen night raids as well as cravings for chocolate.

It has been rumored that Twinkie had a shelf life of years, but in truth, the shelf life of the vanilla cream filled shortcake is 25 days.

Twinkie will be missed and has served its legacy. Let us bow our heads and bid farewell.

Becoming Grand

When my mother first found out that she was going to become a grandmother, you would have thought that she had been sentenced to the gallows and boiled in oil…Seriously. She made a pronouncement that she was not to be called grandma but "nana"…I think that she viewed being a grandmother as a declaration of the end of her youth and the beginning of her end. I, having just become "grand" feel that it is the beginning of my immortality. And with the ways things are happening today, more parents are becoming grandparents at 35 than enough. I am soooo glad that didn't happen to me.

I really didn't think I was ever going to become a grandmother. I don't believe as some, that it is my child's duty to become a parent so that I live to see another generation. I accept a lot of things in this life and well---since, I didn't think it was ever going to happen it was okay with me. But- when I found out that I was going to become grand---wow! I started writing a book for this new person coming into my life. I felt a revitalization that is inexplicable…And my initial reaction to the news of this new life coming into the world was an incredible flood of love...I kept asking myself how I could feel so much love for someone I had never met.

There are so many great things about crossing this new threshold in my life. First, I have lived long enough to see it. And, two, I have become a part of a pretty exclusive group of people which some cultures call "the elders."

One of the biggest perks of "becoming grand" is that you get a surrogate mother that you gave birth to and you know pretty well who will go through the pregnancy and labor. At the end of the gestation period there's this wonderful brand spanking new human being who you can spoil, adore, cuddle in your arms and shower with all the love you can muster in your heart.

Another great benefit is your kids finally understand what being a parent is really all about. This is something that brings a new common ground that bonds you with your adult child. They start to finally get you and all the things that they thought were kooky about you and the undying dedication to protecting one's young.

I also like being able to say to my daughter, "when I had you----", as my mother's generation used to say, "back in my day."

I've been asked what will my granddaughter call me…Who cares? My hopes are to get to see those pivotal moments: when she starts to smile, when she discovers laughter, gets an "owie", loses her first tooth and becomes her own person…

Nothing can compare to looking into the eyes of the newly born who is a part of you. They stare, but don't stare, they try to focus while life outside of utero is an incredibly different experience for them…I look at this new life and know that I had everything to do with her being here.  (see What If: A Mother'sversary story)

I LOVE being grand… I love telling people that I'm grand…I love saying my grand boo's name: Pepper!…With each new generation that comes from me is the hope of a new consciousness of peace, understanding and togetherness among people, not colors or cultures.

The Changing Of The Guard: Guardian Abuses In America

This is the story of Viola Nero. She is a vibrant 90 year old who loves her garden and the home where she raised her children. “While others are enjoying the holidays at home, mom is forced to stay in a nursing home against her will, and the "guardian" refuses to let her take even a one hour drive with her son.” says Steve Nero, her son who celebrates the vibrancy and spirit of his mother’s life.

This is not just Viola’s story, it’s sadly the story of many seniors who have fallen victim to something we can only call “The changing of the guard”. It has become a battle of greedy malicious siblings, political blow holes and legislation that works at killing the spirit of people who are living a long and fulfilling life and systematically encroach on the lives they’ve built and take it from them. And it's all legal.

“Guardianship” is merely a legal way to deplete the spirits and belongings of the elderly who don’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s and paint them with a very broad brush by throwing them into nursing homes rendering them useless. The elderly are citizens entitled to live their lives and can share legacies and history with their children, grand children and great grand children.

“What is happening to my mother is epidemic throughout America and it must stop, but, how can we make better laws when our elected officials and government regulatory agencies ignore our phone calls, emails and refuse to meet? I am learning that justice achieved in America is obtained by PR battles, not by elected officials or courts doing what’s right.” Steve has  further implemented his fight by producing a documentary entitled "TAKEN" to bring this heart breaking legal nightmare to the forefront.

How is it that America disregards and dismisses its elderly population and has little regard for them in its communities? How did we get to this place? To live a long life and be able to impart experience and wisdom should be a celebration, not a cause to be thrown away. Ours is a culture that has literally turned its back and forgotten the elders.

For pioneers like Steve Nero who is diligently working on a law to prevent guardian abuse, this is going to be an uphill battle. But he is ready and continues to champion his cause for Viola’s law:

“Viola’s Law, conceptually, stands for closing legal loopholes, holding government accountable for refusing to protect the elderly or honor their wishes; criminalizing elder financial exploitation, especially by court appointed guardians and restitution to the elderly and their family members for funds and time spent advocating for their loved ones. Most importantly, granting adult guardianship only in the most extreme circumstances. 

What other system would force you to pay someone to strip you of all personal freedoms without due process of law, then fight you in court to maintain control if you object.  By law the court appoints another court appointed lawyer, who refuses to challenge the court appointed guardian.  The senior is then billed by both lawyers is also, by law, denied the right to hire a private attorney. We need laws, to make lawyers and government - obey the law. “  This is the mantra of a son who’s heart is breaking, but who has been fighting continuously to win. To win requires everything that Steve has in his spirit: tenacity, fortitude, compassion and love.


Steve's story is one of many. It only takes hearing about them and letting others know that will raise awareness of such how horrible legal abuse.

Part of this victory against guardianship abuse requires the support of many. The type of support that is needed is not monetary; but support through emails, online networking and support  that oppose this legalized crime and eliminating future victims of such abuse.


Organization:
The National Association To Stop Guardian Abuse

The Going Going Gone List – Part 1

Now this is something that is going to be an ongoing event in Life As We No Longer Know It because the list just keeps on keeps growing.

The Post Office 1775-????????

Well, this one was a no brainer. Did they really think that they would be able to stay afloat with email versus escalating postal stamp prices? Email has been around since the early 70s and came more into prominence for the consumer in the late 80s early 90s…I got online in 91 through AOL. Can you believe that AOL is 28 years old?…Yep believe it. 

Now, how is the post office which is about to face hit the employee pension glacier going to keep itself afloat with all of this burgeoning technology? Well, first, we have to understand that packages aren't viral. So if the USPS became more of a say, Fed-Ex Kinkos, this would probably help. What about offering services like an internet café?

Postal package delivery is still cheaper than UPS and Fed-Ex…If the USPS doesn't get it together and make some major upgrades they will be gone, and our first Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin will be rolling over in his grave.

List of USPS closures

 

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The Yellow Pages

Yes there's an app for that. And with so many of us electronically leashed through our cell phones, tablets and the internet what's the point? The phone book for me is just something I continue not to ask for, yet gets delivered that I throw in the recycling bin for collection. Back in the day, it was viable. Today, I can't even count on one finger recently where I was looking up a business and thought about going to the phone book as a resource. I'm just sayin'….

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Public Phones

 


They used to be everywhere…I may see one every once in a while…Sometimes I see the booth with no phone there: like an antique carcass of technology. The only sign of what had been.

 

 

 

 Watches

They make great collector items…I can't believe Timex watches are still around and they have a website!…I haven't seen many 20 something's wearing them, but in the next few years will they still be around? Doubt it.

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Spelling

With the advent of texting and abbreviating words-----do u thnk tht any1 will no hw 2 spll n the nxt 5 yrs?

 

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Hard copy magazines, books and newspapers

I've got a Kindle and an Ipad. I'm an avid reader…Do the math.

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DVDs and CDs

They WILL be gone…Notice how more streaming of movies is available through your phone, TV or gaming system or table? CDs? Going baby…

Everything is downloadable. Have you checked out the $5 bin at Walmart? There trying to get rid of all that stuff…It's not because they're rolling back those prices.

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Rotary Dial Phones

Although I found a site that makes new "old" phones, they pretty much have gone out to pasture. Whenever you see something that used to be popular with the word "vintage" before it, you pretty much know that it's gone on to become pricier than it was when it was a mainstay in our world…One thing I remember about these phones. They weighed a ton. You could kill someone with them…Seriously.

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Phone Receptionists

A lot of people lost jobs with this one. Remember when you could pleasantly talk about the weather with a phone receptionist? She would NEVER tell you to dial 1. 

We knew companies didn't want to talk to us when the Dial 1 virtual receptionist came on the scene…What creeps me out: she refers to herself as "I"…"Let me see if I can help you." And I break out in hives.

Privacy

Many of us aren’t really liking the changes to Facebook if they have  a personal page. For most of us, it presents an unrealistic view of the world cluttered with a scrolling time-line with non-news like who’s friends with who and who changed their profile picture. Who cares?…All most people want to do is connect. 

So what’s the scary side of this “new” change? Plenty, it’s called intrusion and the true compromise of privacy…Everybody can see what you’re saying and to whom… Many of us question, “Why?” The world we knew had something called privacy…What with companies selling your information for profit, we’ve become nothing more than ants under their microscope…We’ve just become subjects…Our children will know a different world when it comes to privacy… By the time they reach our age, they’ll realize that they’ve been had…Will we ever go back to a simpler place in time? Can  we? 

Don’t get me wrong, technology is great…I wouldn’t be able to communicate with you on such a broad scale were it not for the internet…But, somehow, the virtual world never developed boundaries…That’s the problem…So while it may feel ok to be LinkedIn, FB'd and Google plussed, you're really under the vision of the all seeing virtual "eye".

Mammy, How I Love Ya...

Everyone's talking about the film based on the novel "The Help"…I saw the trailer , read the Facebook page and saw the film.  I'm incensed…Everyone's singing it's praises and I can't see it…This is the ultimate travesty of truth. Not since the ridiculous "re-writing" of Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn to replace the word nigger or the "N" word (for those of you who are registered in the Politically Correct club) have I been more outraged.

Here again is media trying to "soften the blow" of America's injustice and glamorizing the turbulence of the 6Os south. As if this story would have really happened. This is truly from my perspective a work of fiction. And as I'm writing this entry, I just read a current event. A 46 year old black man in Jackson Mississippi, where "The Help" story is set, was the victim of a hate crime and brutally murdered, a racially charged hate crime. This was just a couple of days ago….When are people going to get it? 

Here we go again, the black woman portrayed as the selfless matriarch who seems more involved in the family she works for than her own. This "vision" of fiction has played out in Hollywood too many times to count…

The ABC series, 20/20 did a story on "The Help and interviewed  women "mothered" by black women who felt more familiarity and closeness with "the help" than they did their own flesh and blood mothers. But as I am watching this and biting my bottom lip, I'm wondering if anyone else is asking my questions.

In all of this soapy romanticism of these women recalling life with their "mammies", did anyone consider the children of the women who had to walk or ride the bus long distances? These women, mothers themselves prepared the food, polished the silver and cared for the children in these wealthy white households and couldn't even use the toilet in the house.

Did anyone consider the black children whose mothers and grandmothers came home, exhausted and tired, working for a penance, feet aching? Did anyone consider how these children were victimized in the process? There were many victims in this scenario, from the white children to the black children to the black domestic help. It is the heartbreaking side of the story that isn't portrayed in this work of fiction. It's the reality of poverty, the reality of a different kind of Christmas, of not having enough for your own, while the children you watch for someone else are lavished and yours go wondering "Why can't I?" The question was asked in the film. "How does it feel to raise other people's children while yours are being watched by others? This would have been a perfect time to show that with a visual vignette.

Hattie in character

Hattie McDaniel

Let's face it, the 60s were probably the most turbulent decade of our times…The only positives are the music.  Motown and the Beatles  became the backdrop of our lives, but there is also the big fail on America's report card as to how it treated its own citizens. 

Hattie McDaniel's speech as recipient of the Academy Award was cleverly edited to make it appear that she gave her speech in the room with her Hollywood "colleagues".

When Hattie McDaniel, the first black woman to sing on the radio in America and the first to win the Academy Award for playing Mammy in "Gone With The Wind", mentions being a credit to her race in her acceptance speech it seemed to me to take black people back to slavery. I understand that she was humbled by the award. But who told her to say that? I'm a baby boomer. I'm supposed to be in the last generation to know of these indignities and tragedies of the human spirit in America and the "colored only" signs.

I want the younger people to understand that it was women like McDaniel who played numerous roles in Hollywood, mostly all the same: 300 roles and only credited with 80. So many black actors, great pioneers of color pushed forward through the indignities of a selfish, segregated playing field all in the hopes for the future of the young people of color of today. And what do these youth do today? Run around like a crazy bunch of banshees with no dignity and no shame in their game.

The show Beulah (1950-1953) was the first sitcom to cast a black woman in a leading role. She was the domestic for a middle class family set in the 50s. There were three actresses who played Beulah: Ethel Waters (1950-51) Louis Beavers (1952) and Hattie McDaniel (1952).  There were about 78 episodes, but only about 7 survived.

Of course the mammies and the children they worked for bonded. They were both victims of the same sick cesspool of social iniquity.  Had "The Help" been real, the maids would have been lynched and killed, the male members in their families would have followed the same fate. The progressive white woman who wrote for them would have been labeled  a "nigger lover" and run out of town. This is the reality of our truth in America in the 60s in Jackson Mississippi. The fantasy of this film is a travesty and an affront to those who suffered massive indignities. This is my problem with "The Help".


While I didn't grow up in Mississippi, I do know people who did. Their childhood  no real romance, with memories of social horrors and treatment and what they had to do without and the "lump in the throat" reality of what they were forced to accept.

It's almost as if Hollywood embraces the bullshit that it feels most guilty about. In the glory of its political-correctness it concocts a sticky-sweet stagnating stench in the hopes that somewhere in the very distant future someone will come upon this film and /or this book and believe that this taste of media is real history and it wasn't really that bad. None of us who grew up in it, will be here to defend it. It's apparent that the only time a film with these social parameters gets pumped is when a white person helps a black person out of an abyss.

Can author Kathryn Stockett accurately echo the thoughts of a black character with any integrity? I say no, just because of the fantasy that falls in with the plot line. Ask Ablene Cooper, who works for the author's brother. She happens to have the name of the main character in the book with distinguishing resemblances that are more obvious and more than a casual coincidence. She is suing the author for damages and feels humiliated…I do understand…The case, which Ms. Stockett is trying to get squashed, asserts that the author used Cooper's name and likeness without permission. A hearing is set as of this writing in the next several days. If I were Ms. Cooper, I would get a percentage of every book and a percentage of royalties from the film.

The critics are singing the praises of the film and dub the main character, a woman of color named Abilene, a heroine. Of course. This appeases the guilt and takes away the sting of the reality of Jackson in the 60s. And so it goes: this conundrum that we call showbiz...I had to keep asking myself if this was done through Disney studios.

I'm not blaming anyone for how our country earned its "black marks". All things being said, the performances were brilliant and gave the film the credibility it needed. Sissy Spacek (Missus Walters) and Cicely Tyson (Constantine Jefferson) gave their experience in the game as the true veteran actors they are with a myriad of solid portrayals to their credit. Viola Davis deserves an Oscar for her performance as the signature character Abelene Clark. I am always amazed at her talent and the depth of her input into her characterizations. A super standout is Octavia Spencer (Minny Jackson). She should get an Oscar for her performance. She was all up in this role. Bryce Dallas Howard was intense as the hot mess southern socialite, Hilly Hilbrook. Of course she's good! Her dad is Ron Howard!

I do take issue with the big romance that's going on with "The Help" and the tunnel vision of those who laud it with blinders on. I really had a problem with the white viewers who gave me a patronizing look as they left their seats when the house lights went up. Yee gads! HELLO! I'm not a maid! This isn't all we are. Can you see me???? THIS is why I have an issue with this film and find it subliminally dangerous.

While I'm at it,  here's my memo about the NAACP which endorses this film, (but had Amos and Andy thrown off of TV) The NAACP is about as obsolete as the 8 track tape and Betamax.

I do take issue with an author who writes a story that takes place in the very turbulent south and turns it into a fairy tale. I know, I know. The credit does read, "based on the novel". I don't think that hotbeds in history should ever be romanticized. Even the Brothers Grimm kept it real.