Babies Don't Keep: My 30th Mothers-versary

Today is my 30^th Mothers-versary…It was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. When I was in my early 20s, I couldn't see myself taking care of anything unless it had black and white keys and made sounds…That’s just who I was. It was all music and all about me…

Then something changed and the emotional readiness to become a mother kicked in…It was as overwhelming a need as the salmon’s instinctual tenacity to return to its spawning ground. 

My life was in order, my home was spotless and life was basically uncomplicated. But this hunger to nurture another human being continued to grow.  It all surfaced around a single incident.

I was almost a fatality in a traffic accident. I remember the moment my life welled up inside my brain. I was the passenger in the car and a drunk driver barreled full speed into the intersection, running the light. There was absolutely no way I would have survived this on impact. 

I saw it happen before it happened; kudos to extra sensory perception. I can close my eyes now and relive every stark moment in detail. Something inside of me said, “It’s not supposed to end like this.” Had I not yelled the warning as the headlights loomed toward me and the driver gunned the accelerator; my history would have been very different.

Now every time I pass this intersection, I relive this moment and my decision to become a mother. Etched in my brain is how this “near miss” woke up my life and screamed at me. 

The lone driver of the car behind me was not so fortunate. He ended up taking the hit but miraculously, only stunned, wasn't injured.

When I became pregnant, I read every book I could find about the changes that would happen to my body. I embarked on this journey armed with information. This was a “no turning back” kind of groove. I would daydream about what it would be like to have this little person in my life. I would give her everything that my mother had given me: every skill set needed to survive in the world as a thriving member of the human community. 

As a mother, watching her grow through her phases and firsts, I got to see what it was like for me as an infant developing into a child and then becoming an adult. Watching her develop into herself is one of life’s fascinations. I began to understand my mother more and gained respect for her wisdom. I used to think I was deprived by the way she protected me, but I can see now that she was protecting me so that nothing would happen to me that would change my view of the world growing up.

I had an uncomplicated, normal pregnancy. I walked, became a Buddhist, took yoga class, talked to this baby and wrote her a diary.  I began to see that becoming a mother was just one more detail that connected me with who I was as a person and enhanced my creativity and depth of vision.

I had a wonderful pregnancy. I kept my energy positive and surrounded myself with people who were positive. 

It was 1982. The cost of a postage stamp was 20 cents, the cost of gas was still under a buck. The first CD player was sold in Japan, Michael Jackson released Thriller, "videodiscs" were becoming more popular or as they are known today: DVDs.

This was an interesting time for my child to become a part of the world.  The computer was becoming even more mainstream as a part of American culture and was named on TIME’s cover as Machine of the Year.  Technology was emerging rapidly.

This pregnancy seemed to take forever. I know a lot of people must have thought I was going crazy and talking to myself, but really I was talking to her. I knew that she could hear me in utero as the fascination with the mystery of the unborn grew. 

Here we were: so close to each other and yet still strangers. My body had changed and my center of gravity was off balance. ( I can't imagine how these women  today day can walk in heels pregnant!) I had a fascination with quiches and loved to  prepare them. Life was evolvement and evolvement was life.

The home stretch.

My water broke.. Pretty uneventful...Just my signal that I was in the home stretch. Nothing like on TV… Well,  really, is ANYTHING in reality like TV?

Got to the hospital ready for her arrival…Healthcare was a totally different animal back in 1982. I had great insurance. The hospital bill was $2… I call her my bargain baby.

I opted for no epidural. I didn't want anything to affect this baby. I braved  over 11 hours without drugs. It really wasn't that bad because the outcome of labor was going to be positive. I was prepared through Lamaze classes and was ready to use the learned method of breathing to make this baby’s journey into the world the best.

Her destined birthday was Dec 28, but she made her journey  at 7:16 pm on December 11, 1982,  5 lbs, 6 oz and 17 inches long. I looked at her and wondered who she would be.  She was so tiny and vulnerable with the tiniest little feet. When I brought her home she weighed only 4 lbs. I would carry her around in a little sac called a Snugli and she was so tiny, people would ask "Is there a baby in there?"

What would be her mark?…I looked in anticipation of the birthdays to come and the milestones to come. As the years moved forward and my life tenure as a mother accumulated, I began to understand my mother’s secret. Not really a secret at all.

I used to think my mother was psychic. She could call out a situation without even knowing the details. Sometimes it seemed like she even knew my thoughts. She had a knack for being able to figure out a lot about people and situations. I used to think she was just a killjoy. But in actuality as I look back at it,  as the old folks in the country used to say, “Just do enough living, you’ll see.”

Being a mom, gave me insight into people and situations. I could understand a lot more about human frailty when I became a mom.  These amazing instincts and insights kick in once you earn your “mommy card”. It is the greatest education that anyone can get. There is no “mommy university”. You don’t get a degree, but the wonderful rewards of your child's triumphs and accomplishments became plentiful as the years roll forward.

I would hold long conversations with my infant daughter, sing songs, read constantly to her and play all kinds of music. She would give me this look as she processed my speech…It was almost like she was saying “Run that by me again?” There was no such thing as baby talk. I wanted her to speak clearly and express herself succinctly in the world she would come to know.

Humans are babies for a quick second. I used to muse that if I kept hugging her tightly, she wouldn't grow up. But, even though she did, she will always be my baby.  She got her first tooth on July 15, 1983, her second July 23, started crawling at 6 months. By 8 months old, she began to talk. Her first word was “book.”    

From that  point on, her vocabulary blossomed and by the time she was a little over a year she was speaking in complete sentences with clarity.

She also knew how to color well within the lines by the time she was 4. I started her in private kindergarten that year because the school system had a weird cut off about kids born in December.  

In private kindergarten, my daughter had homework and learned how to add and subtract.

The following year when I enrolled her in public first grade, the administration was trying to tell me that she would have to repeat kindergarten because of where her birthday fell in December.  I considered that quite an  inept concept and wondered who came up with that ridiculous idea. You should have seen me. I was like Sally Field in Forrest Gump fighting for my child’s rights and dignity.  Needless to say, I won the battle.

So I sit here today with a huge hatbox and several photo albums and the ongoing scrapbook I work on for her as she moves forward in life. I’m reminded of an an excerpt from a poem  I put in her scrapbook by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton:

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow,

But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow

So quiet down cobwebs, 

Dust go to sleep

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.                                           

Turning 30, is not just her milestone, but mine as well. I think sometimes as our kids get older, they forget that their celebration of birth is also a celebration for us as well. This is what prompted me to come up with term "Mothers-versary and Fathers-versary".

So, whenever someone shares that their child has a birthday, I celebrate them as well.  Does this milestone in our lives seem like yesterday? You bet!  But should I close my eyes from this journey called living tomorrow, I can rest knowing that I brought three amazing children into the world who will carry on and make their own legacies throughout their lives.